Nick’s Blog

By the time I engaged in counseling with KCSARC, I had close to a decade and a half of experience brute-forcing my way through dealing with sexual assault. I took pride in the degree to which I could let waves of profound distress and psychological turmoil wash over me, all while seemingly not losing my footing. Recently, along with those waves of distress, the ground under my feet started to shift: a cross-country move, financial uncertainty, a new job, all new social connections to navigate, and the loss of most familiarity and routine.

During this unsteadying set of circumstances, many things that put me on edge or approximated elements of my sexual assault became almost unbearable to navigate: nightlife settings, intoxicated people, unfamiliar surroundings. While navigating so many life stressors, the mental reserves I would typically draw on to make it through were simply exhausted. I can remember nights out that started with the hope of enjoying my new city but ultimately left me drowning in a panic, desperately wanting to go home. I was told by loving and rightfully concerned people that I wasn’t doing well and needed to pursue counseling. In my search for options, I found KCSARC’s website, which enabled me to finally connect to the resources I needed.

While exploring the KCSARC website, I learned that about one out of six individuals who pursue their services are male. While men require and use these services, we have not been very vocal or visible about having benefited from their availability. When I first engaged with KCSARC, the far majority of individuals vouching for the efficacy of the center’s services were women. One of my first reactions to this was an insecure inkling that maybe there was something wrong with me for being a man but still needing to pursue this counseling. Why were so few men speaking up? Should I be ashamed?

Part of the social conditioning most men receive is that we can evaluate our adequacy or worthiness as a man by how well we match to rigid norms. When we perceive that we don’t match those norms, we start asking questions that guide us into shame: What value do I hold as a man if I have experienced sexual violence? What if the psychological consequences of that experience are too difficult or confusing for me to sort through alone? If I can’t white-knuckle my way through the resultant deeply unsettling emotions, am I weak and without sufficient willpower? The deeper we go into the shame spiral, the more isolated we become, fearing that any attempt to connect with another person regarding our experiences will expose us as inadequate or lacking. This isolation is used to hide away our secret reality that feels too dark to acknowledge. This isolation can also lead to the type of desperation by which we lose men to suicide.

If the stakes are known to be that high, what are men able to do for themselves?

• First, consider that counseling at KCSARC is confidential and doesn’t have to be in person. You are in control of who knows your story, and it is yours to share or not share. “What will other people think?” does not need to be part of your concerns. If you don’t bind yourself to others’ thoughts, you are free to focus on your own.
• Focusing on what you value will help you understand your motivations for engaging in this healing process. Think about the type of man you want to be, the positive qualities this man possesses, and how working through your traumatic experiences enables you to better cultivate those qualities. These might be things like fostering a sense of duty toward others, building healthy self-reliance, or strengthening connectedness with others. Working with a counselor will allow you to be less preoccupied with the burden of unaddressed psychological needs. As this burden is eased, you will be surprised by how much more you are able to show up for yourself and others.
• Combat isolation by building the network you need. Identify, learn from, and befriend men who display the ability to grapple with, communicate about, and embrace their emotions rather than simply suppress them. These abilities are not merely “nice to have”—they can be a necessary life raft when challenges stack up. Learn these skills from those who practice them.

I am writing this during Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, which occurs annually in June. My intention is to remind men who have experienced sexual assault that they are not “the only one” and that there are resources at the ready that match their needs. I want to encourage these men to make this trusting leap and take the action that will allow them to see their path forward more clearly.

KCSARC’s 24-hour Resource Line is available 24/7 with trained advocates ready to listen and provide free, confidential support and information to help you determine next steps. Whenever you’re ready, call 1.888.998.6423.

Every survivor’s healing journey and recovery is unique and personal. The thoughts and experiences shared by our Empowered Voices members are personal to the author and may not reflect the experiences or journey of every survivor. The views expressed are not intended to represent KCSARC’s organizational views.