Alexandra Jayne’s Blog

People have several different reasons why they don’t come forward after heartbreaking abuse. Most people would probably assume that staying quiet is rooted in fear, embarrassment and shame. But sometimes it’s rooted in love, in courage and in the feeling that you wish you could protect all the people you love from the pain that you wish someone would have been able to protect you from.

I was sexually abused by my biological father from my earliest memories until the age I finally learned to say no. During this time, I thought that what was happening was normal. The Sex Ed presentations in 4th and 5th grade were around the time that I began to feel that this was not normal. However, even then, they say “tell someone even if it’s only happened once,” but what about hundreds of times? “Tell someone, even if it’s a brother, a friend, an uncle, a neighbor,” but what about if it is your father?

I tried to justify why they weren’t talking about me when they tried to warn children about abuse, but eventually, I faced the reality of what it was. I remember contemplating telling my family. And I was afraid my family would be torn apart, my mom would be blamed, and even if she wasn’t, she couldn’t financially provide for five children. I knew these things at 10-years-old. And, at 10-years-old, I chose to never tell my family, not because I was afraid of the outcome, but because I would have done anything to protect them from the burden that I had to carry. Years later, as I matured, I began to question if ignorance was really bliss. They thought they had a dad who loved them, but I knew he wasn’t capable of love.

Shortly after graduating college, a friend and I were talking about how I was helping my family financially. She looked at me and said, “Alex, that is not your burden to carry.” I immediately burst into tears because the finances were a small burden compared to what I was truly carrying. She was the first person I told, and she encouraged me to tell my family. It still took several months for me to be able to do so.

Sixteen months later, on a fall evening, my brother and I had dinner with our sister, who still lived at home. She told us how much our parents had been fighting, something that was not new to us, but on the way home my brother kept asking me what we could do to fix our parents’ marriage. “We should encourage them to get counseling” he said. I finally pulled over the car on the side of a winding dimly lit road and said nothing can fix their marriage, this is bigger than them fighting, our dad is not a good person.

One of the first things he said to me was “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
It’s a question almost every survivor has to answer at some point, and for me it came down to this:

“I thought I was sparing you sorrow,
until I realized I was hiding my hope.
-the secrets I kept”
(Written by: Alexandra Jayne, October 11, 2016)
(Written shortly after telling her brother & 2 weeks before telling the rest of her family)

You might be wondering how no one ever knew the pain I was living with day in and day out. But abuse survivors don’t all look the same, they don’t all act the same and their ability to move forward despite what they have faced, has much less to do with the severity of their trauma, and much more to do with their capacity for resilience.

I often tell people that my mother’s prayers were not lost on me. God might not have been able to protect me from the abuse because of the gift of free will but he protected the parts of me that the world cannot take from you unless you choose to relinquish them. This doesn’t mean I didn’t have dark days, because I did. I know what it feels like to want to end your life, but I also know what it feels like to choose to live it.

“When all is said and done, there comes a point in life when you realize
how short the list of things you have control over truly is.
1. Who you choose to be
2. How you choose to love
Every decision you make in life is a reflection of one of these two things. Will you be kind? Will you be honest? Will your actions reflect your integrity? And when people fail you – When people do things that you cannot control – Will you choose to remain kind, honest and live with integrity? Will you continue to love? Will you lay your heart on the line over and over again for the people you love? Or will you let the things you can’t control change who you choose to be. Will you respond with compassion? Will you maintain your joy? Or will you hide these gifts so deep within yourself that it changes who you are? You cannot hold onto your love or your joy in an effort to protect it. For the more you give, the more it multiplies. And at the end of your life, you can look back and say I was exactly who I wanted to be, and I loved exactly how I wanted to love. “
(Written by: Alexandra Jayne)
(Written February 20, 2020, 5 months before going to trial)

All my love, joy & hope,
Alexandra Jayne

KCSARC’s 24-hour Resource Line is available 24/7 with trained advocates ready to listen and provide free, confidential support and information to help you determine next steps. Whenever you’re ready, call 1.888.998.6423.

Every survivor’s healing journey and recovery is unique and personal. The thoughts and experiences shared by our Empowered Voices members are personal to the author and may not reflect the experiences or journey of every survivor. The views expressed are not intended to represent KCSARC’s organizational views.