A história de Alexandra

He wasn’t a stranger to me, but we didn’t become friends until we were young adults, and it was quickly evident he was a threat. He was like a storm cloud over my life, striking whenever he felt like it. I was constantly pressured to have sex with him, he got mad if I wouldn’t stay the night, and he threatened to ruin my reputation. Most of the time he was mad at me, and I didn’t know why. He would tell me about his abusive behavior towards other women, and it scared me because I knew what he was capable of, but I felt like he would always be a part of my life. I was in his Rolodex of victims, and whenever he decided it was my turn again I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do to protect myself without upsetting him.

When he moved in with me, the abuse immediately got worse. I was terrified all the time, because I never knew what I’d be walking into. Even moments of nonviolence didn’t feel safe. By the time he raped me with physical force, I felt defeated. I was so overwhelmed just trying to survive every day with him and I feared what would happen if I reported it, so I just put the incident away in my mind. He had already made it clear he didn’t want me to involve the police in anything, and I was worried the police wouldn’t believe me or couldn’t protect me. After this, he constantly complained that I didn’t want to have sex with him and he rationalized his irritation with “as a man, I need it.” Even being asleep wasn’t an acceptable “excuse.” Sex was almost always initiated by guilt and coercion, and eventually I felt that was the only way he wanted it.

The last day we were together something changed in me. He was furious, wouldn’t let me leave, and physically blocked the exit. I stayed up all night, terrified I wouldn’t make it out of that room alive. When I did, I knew I would never go back. He continued to come after me with harassment and threatening behavior. I talked to the police, but I was hesitant to get a protection order. I knew he would get mad, and he told me he violated one before. Sadly, his abusive behavior was so normal to me that I almost just accepted I would have to live the rest of my life in fear.

After yet another incident I finally broke and knew I had to come forward.

I started writing my statement and everything that happened over the past 15 years poured out of me, including the aggressive rape, all the coercion, and the verbal and emotional abuse. My body and mind felt like a crime scene, and I was being ripped apart for evidence. It was like every memory had unlocked simultaneously and it was crushing me. I was granted an emergency domestic violence protection order, and when he got served, a whole new fear arose in me. It was like every tear I had held in came out, and the memory of being raped consumed me. I constantly felt the weight of him pushing on my chest and the awful words he spoke to me kept replaying. I couldn’t sleep because I had constant nightmares about him. I was scared to leave the house, but I also felt like a sitting duck staying home. I stopped working, jumped at every noise, and every vehicle that resembled his made me uncontrollably panic. I knew how easily he could get to me to punish me for telling the truth. I begged God for His protection and my friends rallied around me.

When I reported being raped to the police, the pamphlet they gave me had lifesaving information on it: KCSARC’s phone number. I needed help so everything I had experienced wouldn’t take over the rest of my life. KCSARC responded with urgency and compassion; I could tell they understood the magnitude of what I had experienced. In trauma therapy I learned about grooming, the true meaning of consent, and how to decipher which fears were realistic and which were limiting my ability to live. I fully committed myself to the therapy and at my last session I cried, but not for the same reason I had cried in the beginning. It was because I could finally imagine life without living under his ruling. KCSARC also provided me with a legal advocate. He provided empathetic and strong support as I dealt with the rollercoaster of the protection order process. I felt it was important to attend hearings in person, and he physically stood next to me. He gave me confidence to speak in court about what my abuser had done and why I needed protection.

During this time, I completed one degree and applied for another so I can eventually apply to law school. Jesus saved me from the pit, but unfortunately, sexual assault and domestic violence are not going to stop, so I’m going back in for the others when they are ready to find their way out. I won’t pretend that my life suddenly became perfect, but now I live a life I’m proud of, and I’m going to ensure that what I gained from KCSARC won’t stop with me.

I’m finally free to enjoy life and to dedicate my time on this earth to serving others so they can also feel joy, hope, and peace.

~~~

A Linha de Recursos 24 horas do KCSARC está disponível 24 horas por dia, 7 dias por semana, com defensores treinados prontos para ouvir e fornecer suporte e informações gratuitas e confidenciais para ajudar você a determinar os próximos passos. Quando estiver pronto, ligue para 1.888.998.6423.

A jornada de cura e recuperação de cada sobrevivente é única e pessoal. Os pensamentos e experiências compartilhados pelos membros do Empowered Voices são pessoais e podem não refletir as experiências ou a jornada de cada sobrevivente. As opiniões expressas não pretendem representar a visão organizacional do KCSARC.