Just as survivors need support through the healing process, you need support as well.  Some of this can come from the survivor, but the demands on her own healing are often too great for her to have a lot of energy left over to support you too.  Nor should you expect it.  Yet, you need someone to listen to your pain, your fears, your frustration, and your confusion.  You need compassion too.

 Start to make meaningful connections with people outside your relationship, and find fulfilling activities that are your own.  Think about the things that make you feel good, and do those things regularly.

If you’re committed to supporting your partner, that doesn’t mean you’re required to be available for every crisis or to take care of every need.  There are limits to everything and you need to be responsive to your own.  When you try to give beyond your capacity, there’s usually a backlash of resentment that undercuts the value of what you’ve given.  It’s far better to admit honestly that you can’t be there, to tell her that you love her and have faith in her, and go on with your life.  It’s not realistic to expect yourself to be able to handle everything just because the survivor is healing from a major trauma.

Everyone has different limits.  Don’t wait until you’re over yours before you speak up.  If you do, you’re apt to be resentful, and it will make your communication less effective.  Instead, speak up when you’re approaching your limits.

People tend to think they have to do something to help a person get over pain, but often there’s not a lot you can do.  Some of that pain is inevitable.  Some of it is her work to transform.  Your place is not to make it better – your place is to be a loving partner through the hard times.

This material was generously shared by:  Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, authors of The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.  Though the book is written for adult women who have experienced a childhood assault, it has a lot to say to the partner of any person who has been sexually assaulted.  Look for it in your local bookstore.

Male survivors and their partners may find Victims No Longer by Mike Lew to be helpful as they work together.

SHOW THAT YOU CARE.  This may be the first time your friend has ever told anyone about the sexual assault.  Give whatever expression of sympathy is comfortable for both of you.